The Tens: Paranormal Raptivity — Hip Hop’s Bizarre Occurrences

Originally posted at The Well Versed

In honor of the sequel that scared the hell out of audiences across America, TWV counts down ten truly bizarre, damn near super natural occurrences in the game today. We give you, Paranormal Raptivity:

10. Hip Hop’s Love Of Cocaine AKA “Night Of The Living Dopehead”

For years, weed was the drug of choice. Now, not only are rappers using harder drugs, we’ve got Lil Wayne walking around looking like the poster child for “White Lines.” The era of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll is upon us. The lyrical D-Boys are clearly getting high on their own supply.

9. The Return Of The Groupie AKA “Freaks”

Hip hop has always had a love/hate relationship with “them.” And by “them,” I mean the groupie chick. They were seen and not heard—that is until Superhead blew the roof (no pun intended, I swear) off of groupie culture, laughing all the way to the bank in the process. At this point, common sense dictates that rappers keep their indiscretions on the extra low. But that doesn’t explain the rise of Kat Stacks. After outing Young Money, Fab and Bow Wow, Soulja Boy became the latest unwilling victim. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice—you know the rest.

8. T.I.’s ‘Now you see me, now you don’t’ act AKA “The Ghost Of Clifford Harris”

We could have swore we just seen T.I. outside of a jail cell…or was that the ghost of Clifford Harris? Tip is indeed a role model—an example of what NOT to do. After getting out of the pen, prepping a new album and having the number one movie in America (Takers), Mr. and Mrs. TI got nabbed with ecstacy and a plethora of other banned substances after making (of all things) an illegal U-turn in Los Angeles. TI will do an additional eleven months not because he was caught with more guns than Sadaam, but for not obeying basic traffic laws. 11 months of freedom and no boost in street cred.

7. Dance Craze = Serial Career Killer AKA “Thriller”

Soulja Boy is the RARE exception to this phenomenon. If your debut single comes with an accompanying dance, “you won’t be around next year.” © Craig Mack (see, Boyz, G Spot; Life, Down For; Nasty, Freak and others). Years from now, people will deny ever liking any of these artists. And thankfully, all the foolishness is forever immortalized on YouTube.

6. Waka Flocka Flame’s BET Performance AKA “Let The Wrong Ones In”

Proof positive that rapper should stick to the script. In a clear departure from whatever monstrosity was originally planned, Mr. Flame jumped into the crowd, coerced a bunch of fellow rappers (who I assume pretend to like his music) to join him on stage and proceeded to grunt through the rest of his performance. I’m not sure what was going on. I don’t think Waka was either. Both of those are good things.

5. Stupid Rappers Getting Paid In 2010 AKA “Dawn Of Dumbassness”

Boy, there are some dumb ass rappers flooding the game in 2010. Most of them can barely speak English or have the IQ of a zombie. Somehow they make money while the rest of the artists with actual talent end up living in a world of dumbassness.

The only logical reason for the influx of garbage in the game is the “yes man.” In studios across the country, rappers are penning hot piles of shit, only to have some dick rider yell out “you gon kill em with that one, fam!” Don’t believe me. Strip away the beat and repeat these lyrics to yourself: I fucked my money up, damn/Now i can’t re-up/Ran off in his spot just to get stacks up/Now i’m back on deck,/So shawty what the fuck you want/Heard he talkin shit but this ain’t what the fuck he want/Locked my CEO up/Now it’s back to coca/Niggas talkin shit bruh, hang him by a ropa.”

Dumbassness cosigned by someone.

4. Hammer AKA “Animator”

The new found infatuation with Hammer is the epitome of paranormal activity. For those of you too young to remember, Hammer was the best thing smoking until he got too big. Success was somehow flipped to failure and selling out. Young Stanley Burrell was subsequently run out of the game. Fast forward to 2010 and people are acting like they never turned on the man who made parachute pants fashionable.

3. Your favorite rapper trying to be Hammer AKA “Re-Animator”

Endorsements, huge entourages, Blowing Money Fast, cartoons. You name it, Hammer did it way before artists like Drake could spell Sprite. Long before it was cool for hip hop to get paid off corporate America, Hammer paved the way. This is the ultimate in swagger jacking. Stanley should walk around with a shirt that says, “fuck you, pay me.” After getting dissed like this, only to have people do what he did, we think he’s earned it.

2. MTV’s Top Ten List AKA “Misery”

The sound you hear? MTV flushing whatever credibility it had down the toilet. Waka Flocka Flame clocks in at number eight—and that’s really all we need to know. Worse yet, the rationale behind the decision. Says MTV’s Senior Producer Rahman Dukes: “[Waka] put out three consistent records in a row. He’s coming out a region that’s known for putting out one great record.”

Unless OutKast, Scarface, UGK, TI and Ludacris (who came in at #10) are no longer from the south, we respectfully contest this abomination.

1. Jay-Z As Illuminati AKA “Salem’s Lot”

In one of the dumber conspiracy theories of 2010, Jay-Z threw a bunch off skulls in a video and shot it in black and white and people thought he was illuminati. We’re not hating on Jay-Z, but the illuminati is (allegedly) composed of the world’s most powerful men. To date, Hov isn’t even on the Forbes list of richest people. No one man should have all that power.

And he doesn’t.


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