Originally published at The Well Versed
When the words “sex” and “education” are put together, most think of teenagers and health class. As a professionally trained sexuality educator, JamYe WaXman makes a living schooling grown folks on matters of the flesh. TWV sat down with Ms. WaXman to discuss sexual communication, how porn can help couples and why what you see on screen doesn’t translate to what goes on in the bedroom.
The Well Versed: Why sex education?
JamYe WaXman: I started as a radio producer and got on a show about sexuality. I learned so much about my own sexuality. Sexuality education is such a comprehensive part of our lives. It’s something we don’t really think about but it’s functioning whether we’re having sex or not. I found it easy to talk to people it’s an empowering way for me to help myself and help others.
TWV: What sparked that curiosity?
JW: I’ve been sexually curious since I was young. When I was a kid, I had my firs sexual experiences with a neighbor girl when I was 11. It grew from then on. From 11 to 15, she and I experimented and then I thought about experimenting with boys. It’s not a choice, its how I am and how I want to spend my time here this go round.
TWV: When you talk to people, are they pretty receptive.
JW: Women warm up. With guys, they usually think “Can I have sex with her?” or “What does she know that I don’t?” That’s what I get the most. “What makes you an educator” or “Can I fuck you?” I even the playing field by asking people to teach me something. With the second, that’s not going to happen, so I ask where else can we take the conversation. It’s about being nonjudgmental.
TWV: There’s a lot of misinformation out there. What’s the biggest piece of misinformation you find?
JW: That sex and love are not work. People assume based on seeing movies or what they read how others have orgasms in a million different ways. Sex is an awkward, non-natural situation that we have to learn more about. The other thing I cannot stand about the female orgasm is the idea that it’s achievable through penetration alone. Its bad information, but more so sad information. Guys are wondering why their partner isn’t coming so quickly. [I don’t like] this orgasm centric fast, quick come.
TWV: Sexual communication—or the lack of—seems to be a big issue. What advice do you give to women about getting comfortable with themselves?
JW: A lot of women aren’t comfy getting comfy with themselves. Orgasms are great –but not because you get off. It makes your skin look better, it relaxes you. I try to take it out of the sex idea and make it a health idea. Think about your sexual health like you do your physical health—going to the gym. I think approaching sex from…
JW: A little holistic, but sex isn’t about an end result. It’s not where do you go, but how do you get there? You’re trying to find new ways to communicate with your partner. Touch is a huge form of communication.
TWV: A lot of my female friends have difficulties talking to their partners about what they want, what would you tell them?
JW: It’s really hard. It’s about how you say things. If you want to talk, don’t do it in the bedroom, do it outside. If there’s something that’s really driving you crazy, try to shift the focus: “Babe, that feels good, but what really turned me on is when you did this.” Avoid “don’t” and focus on “do”, don’t say “no,” find a way to say “yes.”
Another way you can do it is to play a game and show your partner where you want to be touched. Put your hand over your partner’s hand and show them—without talking—where you want to be touched. Send an email or a text if it’s hard to talk.
TWV: Would you tell men the same?
JW: I think it’s great for men to start dialogue as well. The most important thing is what you’re going to say and how you say it. If you’re trying to improve, but you end up correcting, it can sound like a megaphone.
TWV: Have you found that porn is helpful for couples?
JW: I think it can be helpful as long as couples aren’t using it in secret. If you start out with it as a secret, it will become that to your partner. If you look at it as “This really turns me on,” as opposed to “This can’t be you,” it can be a real positive benefit.
TWV: So guys shouldn’t be acting like there’s something wrong if they watch?
JW: Right. It’s like anything in life, if you’re playing video games all the time, it’s a problem. Know that [porn] is not a replacement for sex and the expectation for sex isn’t what you see in porn. If you look at it as a fun time, it shouldn’t be a problem.
TWV: You’ve said before that porn sex isn’t real sex, what are some of the misconceptions and truths surrounding that?
JW: For starters, porn stars communicate off camera. They get tested off camera and negotiation happens off camera. You need to know your partners history. Porn stars prep. They know if they’re going to have anal sex, they won’t eat anything that will make them not want to have anal sex. Which reminds me, sex is preparation. It doesn’t just happen spontaneously. These actors have call times, they’re paid—it’s a job. They know when they go in, what they’re getting into. When you pop it on your partner that you want to stick your penis in her pussy and a huge fist up her ass and she’s not receptive—well she didn’t prepare for that. You need to take it slow. Things are introduced quickly in porn.
I touched Tom Byron’s calf today; I’ve never touched a calf so strong. He said it was from 30 years of fucking. These are sexual athletes. Give yourself a little leeway in the bedroom. So much of what happens in porn isn’t shown because of editing and it’s edited to look great.
TWV: Would you suggest that couples start negotiating like porn stars?
JW: Absolutely! Couples should be negotiating sometimes weeks before they do something. Negotiating is part of foreplay; it’s really hot to think about where you and your partner are going to go. Absolutely start now.